What does self-care truly mean?

The buzzword of the day … self-care. Tossed around by many as if there is a central set definition. As if everyone agrees to what it means. Yet, ask a dozen people how they define self-care and the descriptions are as different as night is from day.

Although most would agree self-care is important, those same folks, if asked, will tell you they don’t practice self-care regularly, if at all.

Even the term brings on trepidation and pushback. We either feel shame and guilt over the lack of self-care or we resist doing so since it feels selfish and self-absorbed to care for ourselves. As if by doing so we ignore other’s needs and wants. Especially those we are in a relationship with…our parent(s), children, friends, and others we care about or love.

Could it be that we’ve defined the term too narrowly, or maybe too broadly? Have we put so many rules and restrictive “have to’s” to the practice that we immediately resist?

Are we using someone else’s definition for it versus our own? A list of “shoulds” a mile long, which would put up a barrier for most of us.

I fell into this trap, yes trap, of following someone else’s rules and guidance versus my own. Supposed experts or professionals who insisted their way is the only way or the best way. As if they knew me, my body, my life path, better than me. 

I gave over my power and followed like a sheep being herded to pasture. The pasture, I was assured, was the one I was meant to graze contentedly in and that I would thrive when I did so.

Mind you, the path is the same one suggested for most everyone, as if we are all the same. The list and rules are not changed for individual preferences, lifestyles, body types, and energy levels.

How about a few examples to help us see this more clearly?

– Vitamins and supplements. Do you follow the dosage guidance on the bottle, box, or container? Most of us do. Have you ever questioned or wondered what size person, sex, or physical issue was used to determine the dosage size, frequency, or benefit promised?

– Water and hydration. I’ll bet most of you have heard the guidance to stay hydrated and the best way is 8 to 10 glasses a day. Who decided this? Based upon what? The guidance has even gone further to define it more tightly as body weight (in pounds) divided by 2 = minimum number of ounces of water to drink per day. What’s the problem with that, you may ask? There’s no consideration of what foods you may eat with high water content as to whether you need to consume more water.

– Cancer surgery … you’re told, “we” (the surgeon) got it all (yes, I was told that too). Did you know that’s simply not possible? Cancer circulates around the body all the time, not just in one area. The hope is that our immune system handles it. However, the surgery did not, for that reason, get it all.

– Exercise. What about the 10,000 steps a day rule? Did you know that 10,000 steps a day started as a marketing slogan? The idea that walking 10,000 steps is optimal came from a catchy ad in Japanese. It’s not exactly based on science. And, don’t get me started on how many minutes a day, a week, etc. you MUST do otherwise you are not practicing good self-care.

Those are just four glaringly obvious examples that I started to question and no longer follow or believe. However, before I get too far down the rabbit hole, let’s circle back to the original question … What does self-care truly mean? What is it, exactly? 

Let me clarify before I share my definition. This article is not meant to give you a list of what to do, how to do it, or what is optimum for you to get a “gold star” on self-care. You might have already noticed that I mentioned above that it’s all about your path and your body.

So here goes … How do I define self-care?

You come first. Above all others. No matter what. Always.

Take a breath. Sit with that idea for a few moments. Notice how your mind will search for exceptions. Perfect examples where this definition is false, crazy, or impossible.

You’ll most likely hear chatter in your head that says something such as … Yeah but, what about caring for children? Or, caring for a sick loved one? Or, my boss, the employer, expects me to put them first when I’m at work. The examples and the reasons to put aside self-care are endless.

I too had plenty of reasons or excuses, that had me set aside my own self-care. Again, and again, I would put someone, or something, first. I would convince myself it was only, for now, temporary, or necessary in the moment.

Until it was no longer temporary. Until it was such an ingrained pattern that I would not question it. Until life events, for me, a two-time cancer diagnosis woke me up.

Do I always put myself first? In full transparency, no I do not. It takes time and practice to recognize the pattern and do it another way. And, to remember, as Liz Vaccariello was quoted in a recent article in the magazine Real Simple … “Everything that ailed her felt insurmountable – until she discovered that a lot of little tweaks added up to big improvements in her health, mood, and mind.”

Yes, it begins with little tweaks, small changes, and awareness that indeed, you come first. Giant leaps are not required. In fact, those will probably set you up to fail, to fall flat on your face in despair.

I had to have a serious talk with myself about this … to come to terms with my own self-care, the lack of it, or how often I gave it over to others.  I could no longer kid myself that what I was doing was supportive of my health, or held my wellness sacred above all else.

How about you? Are you ready to put yourself first?