The Control Freak Lets Go of Control

The Control Freak Lets Go of Control

Impossible, I think, to let go of control. How will my world go on spinning if I don’t take charge and make it happen? Certainly, things won’t get done. Life will fall apart. No one will do what they said they would do.

I religiously make my daily “to-do” list and proceed to push myself each day to complete it, no matter what it takes.  No matter how long my day must go. To give me a sense of accomplishment. A sense of success. And, of course, to convince me that I am in control.

Even those items that require others in my household to do, I’d add those to the list. After all, I’m in charge, aren’t I? I must maintain control.

I sigh in relief as I mark off the last item on the list for that day. It is done. All is well. Everything is right in my world.

But, is it?

Who am I kidding? Of course, it’s not done. There’s plenty of other to-do’s to handle. Things that nag at me as I try to relax. Lists that swirl in my head as I try to sleep. 

So much to be done. Stuff that sits staring at me that must be cleared or put away. Promises made that need to be fulfilled. Deadlines to meet. Meals to make. Laundry that must be washed, dried, and folded. Clutter to clear.

The lists are endless—my mind races to keep up with it all. Anxiety rises. My gut tightens, and my heart pounds. There’s no way to get it all done.

Sound familiar? I know I’m not alone in this. I know it resonates even if you are not a list maker. So, maybe now is the time to raise your right hand and admit. “I, (insert your name here), am a control freak!”

It does help to admit it. To say it out loud and embrace it. Because until you do, it’ll drive you crazy and run the show.

What, you may wonder, am I now supposed to do? That was my question as I awakened to this dominant aspect that was destructive to my well-being. What was I to do with that epiphany? All well and good to recognize it. However, what on earth was I going to do about it?

At first, I didn’t do much. I  convinced myself, yet again, that control was reasonable, helpful, and necessary. I also figured that having admitted it, that was enough. It would magically happen without me consciously doing anything.

Who was I kidding? Seriously, Joan, you thought you could keep doing the same thing and get different results?

But, all that changed when I got a huge wake-up call that stopped me cold. 
A life occurrence that said, Okay, Joan, not paying attention, how about this! 

Cancer times two. Several surgeries. Infections. High fevers. Tests. Scans. Treatments. Side effects. Whew! Talk about a massive kick in the tushie!

And that changed everything. I knew I had to look at my life differently and make radically different choices. The old Joan would need to change if I wanted to live, which I did.

After deep inner reflection, I recognized that cancer was not a punishment for ignoring the messages or signals. Instead, it was simply a way to get my attention if I chose to acknowledge it. If I decided to accept the guidance.

It didn’t happen quickly, although the change in my diet did. But once I decided that my well-being came first, not my habits or cravings, the shift occurred quicker than I expected. 

I made healthier choices that served my well-being above all else.

I gave over and let go of so many things in other areas of my life besides diet. Although again, those didn’t happen overnight. I no longer made “to-do” lists. I no longer fretted over and pushed to do housework or laundry. I didn’t return phone calls except for critical ones. I left groups and communities that stressed me, although I cared for those within those groups.

In other words, I gave over control. I handed over the reins to someone else. And, if it didn’t get done, so be it. And, I had to notice when I would feel I needed to get back into that control seat and say, “NOPE,” not this time.

Has it been easy? Heck no. A lifetime of “control-freak” habits wasn’t easy to break. However, over time, I no longer believed I was in charge.

And, I realized that control is an illusion. In most things in life, there is no control. So, I surrendered and let God take the reins. Then, my inner divine would let me know when to take action and what action I needed to take. 

Until then, Joan the Control Freak has taken a much-needed hiatus.

Are you ready for your control freak to join Joan’s on that hiatus? Maybe forever?