Is it time to stop apologizing and explaining?

Is it time to stop apologizing and explaining?

Have you ever apologized for something even when it is not your fault? Or for something you had nothing to do with, such as when someone on the street blasts into you and you apologize to them. How about those times when someone is rude or unkind, and you apologize? 

What about when you explain why you feel a certain way or cannot do what someone requested of you? Maybe unsolicited advice that you are supposed to follow but do not wish to follow. Do you find yourself explaining and most likely apologizing for why you cannot, or do not, want to do what they advised?

Ever wonder why you do that? What exactly motivates you to apologize or explain your feelings, thoughts, and actions? 

I know I’ve spent a lifetime doing just that. Explaining and apologizing why I cannot attend your gathering, participate in an event, join your organization, come to a family dinner, talk on the phone, try your products, or comply with your request — a million examples of this over the years.

I became pretty proficient at justifications, reasons, or excuses for saying “no!” A simple no didn’t seem enough. I desperately wanted the person to agree with me or at least understand my reasons.

I began to wonder — What motivated me to continue to explain myself? Why did I so desperately want others to agree with me? It didn’t make me feel good, especially when I couldn’t be honest about the real reason for fear of being rejected or misunderstood. Or when the real reason did not settle the matter.

So, what made me continue the behavior when it honestly didn’t work? 

That was what I had to admit first — it wasn’t working any longer and, in fact, never had. I didn’t know why I kept doing what wasn’t working. I just knew I had to stop.

That’s when I began an inner journey where I questioned the reasons behind my behavior. I knew they were multi-layered, complex, and tied to long-held beliefs. 

Here is what came forth for me as I did so. The biggie! The most straightforward and obvious belief I held — I wasn’t liked or accepted. I didn’t feel loved for exactly who I am.

And, I had proof of this — A lifetime of it which began in childhood. What I experienced, by simply being myself, is that I would get corrected, shunned, shamed, disliked, or treated with disdain unless or until I changed, complied, or agreed.

That’s when I learned to apologize, explain, comply, or shut up.

Which leads me directly to another reason — I didn’t want to rock the boat, have conflict, or a hurtful confrontation. 

I so desperately wanted to fit in, which was impossible if I rocked the boat. That’s when I began to change myself for others, to put on a false front, a facade, or personality so that I would be liked, loved, and accepted.

It hurt not to fit in, to be left out or treated poorly. It was painful to be on the outside looking in.

I kept doing this until I became aware that I could not be anyone else but myself. It was time for me to finally, once and for all, accept and love myself just as I am.

For me to just be me and as Panache Desai (**) counseled me — “You be you, Boo. You be you!” Beautifully wise and loving guidance to be just that, to just be me.

No more excuses. No explanations. No apologizing. No justifications. No persuading. No pleasing others. It was time, in fact, well past time to let go of old behavior and step into the new — the honest and real Joan.

Have you had enough of apologizing or explaining for just being you? Is it time that you, too, just be you, Boo?

** see resources below

Resources